When bitches be on tinder but can’t call you. Peak
Also, gonna stop drinking as moderation is something I don’t know how to do and don’t wanna put myself in shit situations again.
So I was super lucky with some of my friends having a gap year which meant I didn’t feel alone and had the company I craved. What I failed to remember is the reality that soon they all will be gone. It is terrifying knowing I am the only one in Peterborough and will have nobody by my side. I have made friends at work etc, but having your best friends here is different. I’m scared about being lonely and having nobody by my side. If I wanna go for a smoke or chill out I have nobody to do that with? I guess I’m scared.
I am literally not motivated to do anything
I literally don’t know what to do with myself. Maisy goes back to America on Tuesday and it’s literally breaking my heart. She has been the most supportive person ever and really helped me get better this summer and just when I thought I was falling she completely picked me up again. We have got a lot closer and to be honest it’s making saying good bye to her a lot harder. I know it seems ridiculous but the thought that I potentially won’t see her untill next May just desks my heart. Even when I think about her going I cry I don’t know how I’m going to cope? Yes she’s not going forever and I will eventually see her again, but it doesn’t take away the a sadness and pain I feel. It’s contradicting in my mind. I feel really selfish for wanting her here as I know it’s for the best, she’s just my best friend and literally such a positive influence.
I was driving past a business here in the Houston Heights, when I glimpsed this painted on the side of the building. I recognized that iconic WWII poster before I realized it was not just any woman, but 14 year old Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani girl who was attacked for wanting an education. The words next to her are her quote, ( “I don’t mind if I have to sit on the floor at school.) All I want is education. And I’m afraid of no one.”
So I sit here every day over analysing everything and putting myself down. I feel fucking lonely, needy and annoying! I can’t help but be in peoples company because as soon as I’m left alone I’m left with my thoughts, that are dark and saddening. In my mind keeping busy, smoking a joint.. Going out, it all delays me from realising how unhappy I am.
Really pissed off and angry with everyone and everything. Just let me dissapear.. Please?